good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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