i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Terrible idea I love it
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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