Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
