I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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