Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Don't make out with my wife yet
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
