I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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