I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
