Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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