Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize