Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
