he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You can't motorboat a personality
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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