I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
