Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
