im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
