i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
