I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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