Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
