As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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