i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
