a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
