the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize