At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
