sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
