Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
