Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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