I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
