From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
