I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
