After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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