Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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