Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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