i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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