they won't let me drive with my sombrero
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
