Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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