i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
