Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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