We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
