What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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