When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
