I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
