Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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