I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
