I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
