i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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