I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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