I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
