I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
