So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I did not marry a roomba.
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