he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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