i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
