Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
