I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
the condom got lost in my hair
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
