I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize