New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
