There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
