i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I am available for nakedness
Randomize
