apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
