Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i just sent this text using only my big toe
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
