I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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