yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
