My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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